The Vulnerable Feeling of Being Authentic

The thoughts I posted on awareness are a good segue into my thoughts on authenticity. I imagine that by now you have noticed that "authenticity" is one of my favorite subjects to think about and it is one of my favorite leader behaviors to possess. It is one of the few words I have ever known where the dictionary defines it by what it is not. Webster's says that it is not false or imitative. Basically what they are saying is that to be authentic, one must be real. 

I think that is why I like it so much. There are a couple of angles I would like to explore as I write this post. One is how our experiences shape and mold our ability to be authentic. The other is a little more difficult to describe, and, because of the subject matter I am choosing to use as an example, will be a little bit more difficult for me to treat in this post, . To be authentic, one must be willing to stand for who they are, while at the same time allowing others the same privilege. Nothing causes me greater concern than when somebody who proclaims a desire to be understood, yet is unwilling to understand others. That is the most inauthentic behavior possible. More on that latter.

Experiences That Shape Us

I have a hero who I consider a friend even though I only met him briefly one time and shared only one written exchange with him later. His name is Neil Maxwell and he was a prolific writer and thinker. Neil died in 2004 from the painful effects of Leukemia. He suffered with this disease for quite a long time before he finally succumbed to its effects. Despite heavy chemotherapy sessions and other treatments that made him very sick he continually manned his post in life and fulfilled his responsibilities. I miss his wit and incredible wisdom.

In his biography, which was completed shortly before he died, Neil was asked why he thought he had to suffer from such a painful disease. His response was stunning. He said, "God gave me leukemia so that I could authentically serve others." Neil spent his life as a servant leader. He truly felt that this experience, despite how sick it made him feel, and despite the fact that he knew it would eventually take his life, was given to him so that he could understand the pain that others feel and so that he could comfort them. What an unbelievably powerful thought. 

The experiences we have definitely shape us, but they are not given to us to magnify our own greatness, rather they are given to us to lift others up so that they can be their best. When we use them that way, they work for our own betterment, but that is not why we do it. It is a natural law that we reap what we sow. By this I mean that if we use our own experiences to establish our own greatness than the rewards we receive will be hollow and short lived. The true reward of leadership comes from seeing the people being led grow and develop. There is a saying somewhere in the Tao Te Ching that says that when the best leaders fulfill the purpose of leadership the people they are leading claim the growth as their own. The authentic leader has no problem with that because that is what she wanted all along.

The Authentic Me

I now ask for your careful and sincere understanding as I express myself to you in a very open and vulnerable way. There is a significant debate going on here in California over the legality of Same Sex Marriage. I do not wish to add to the debate over whether or not it should be legal, I simply would like to discuss my feelings, in an authentic way, about what I see going on.

I support Traditional Marriage. I know that some of you will be upset with me for making this declaration. It is not my intent to offend you or to shut you down. I am grateful that I live in a Country where this debate can be open and publicly debated. One of the things that makes this Country great is the opportunity to express our beliefs so freely. I would never want to change that. I feel no malice toward you who support Same Sex Marriage. It is your right to do so. I respectfully disagree with you on this issue, and in so doing, I honor my right to stand up for what I believe in.

Recently, I have noticed that those who support Same Sex Marriage are using a word that I find to be quite offensive in their attempt to gain support for their cause. Sean Penn's Oscar acceptance speech, is a good example of what I am talking about. In his speech, he said that it was time for those who shamefully oppose Same Sex Marriage to quit behaving shamefully and do the right thing. I received a couple of emails from different friends also using the word shameful to describe those who support Traditional Marriage. I am not ashamed of my belief or my right to stand up for my belief. As long as the debate rages, I am within my rights to express my opinion. 

It is a tragedy when any opinion is attempted to be silenced. How can we have a debate without hearing all sides. I am not afraid of Sean Penn's, or anybody else's right to say that they support Same Sex Marriage. If he wants to talk about his support for it than I have no problem with that. He has a right to believe what he believes. But when he tries to shut down my beliefs, then he and I have a problem. 

I see this as a much bigger problem than Sean Penn's comments. Several prominent people have been forced to resign their very public positions because of their support for Traditional Marriage. e-Harmony.com was sued because they do not offer a model for Gay and Lesbian Community, and as a result they were forced to create a model for them. I don't understand this, why didn't somebody from the Gay and Lesbian Community create their own model rather than compel a company to create something for them. It sounds like a very good opportunity for somebody who wishes to cater to that clientele. I personally have received threats from people saying that they were going to close my business because of my support for Traditional Marriage. This attempt to stuff the ideas of the majority, (at least at this point in time) into the closet, seems very interesting to me when I consider that it is coming from a group that fought so hard to get out the closet. I would expect a greater capacity to understand and a greater desire to let people be who they are from the Gay and Lesbian community than what I am currently seeing. What is going on is very dangerous behavior.

I think that people should be able to live the way they want. I believe that the resolution of the current debate will prove to have a major impact on society. I understand why it is so hotly contested and I have no problem with that. When it is resolved I will honor the right of others to live according to the law of the land. I hope everyone will do the same. Regardless of the outcome, I will continue to believe the way I do about this moral issue. I expect that regardless of the outcome those that think differently than I do will continue to think the way they do. Standing for something does not mean that I will not be satisfied until everyone is converted to the way I think. It simply means that I am declaring my values and my intent to live according to those values. 

I believe that it is very good to be open about who we are, and I believe that I can get along just fine with people who hold different values than I do. I have a very good friend, who said to me within five minutes of our first encounter, "you need to know that you are talking to a gay man." I responded, "then you need to know that you are talking to a Mormon." We both laughed and began to develop our friendship. This issue has caused a bit of a strain on our friendship. I trust that as we continue to interact, we will both learn to respect each other's beliefs in such a way that they will become a non-issue with regard to our friendship. I would rather be the real me and have you not like me, then have you like me just because I am withholding the real me from you. 

No matter how close to people we become, there will always be differences. These differences, even the difficult ones to understand, are what make relationships so fascinating. I am most comfortable when I can be the real me. I do not feel the need for you to be like me. I want you to be the real you. From time to time we will disagree. Sometimes we will fight over those disagreements and other times we will choose to respectfully disagree with each other. 

This is the authentic me. There is nothing shameful about openly being who I am. The shame would be to hide who I am, or to ask others to hide who they are. I am not going to do that. I hope you won't either.

Creating Trust

Do you think I should hide my thoughts on such controversial topics? Do you think we need to agree on topics like this in order to be true friends? The fear of writing about this topic nearly overcame me, but in the end I decided to model what I truly believe about authentic behavior, regardless of what price I might pay. Do you think that standing for what we believe in requires us to tear down what others believe in? Or is it possible to simply stand for your values? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

See you on the road!

Andrew Thorn

760-559-3548

Comments

[Lavinia Weissman]

I am enjoying reading your blog. This entry touched my heart, given how often in my life I have been around people ill and people dying.

After being a shepherdess to my mom through her last days of life in hospice, I took that experience into both my writing and the way I live.

You can find the article titled, "Health and Wellness through Loss" here:

http://www.laviniaweissman.com/publications.php

Over a period of time, I made friends with my mentor, Stephen Levine, on death and dying gain, through his book, Healing Into Life and Death.

I read the book a few pages at a time as it came to parallel my own experience with grief and death.

One day I woke up and discovered a new layer to what it means to live and be "authentic me."

This authentic me needed to invent new conversations and attract the kind of people to have these new conversations that go beyond resignation or accepting the difficulties around us. But I noticed that just having these conversations was not enough.

To me living in life fully is about joining with others to find new ways to address the difficulties of these times, and that when we really come from that "authentic place," it means we come alive and feel control over our lives.

My "authentic me," came to realize that the heroic stance of a "being authentic" was not enough. It was about really finding others who are their "authentic selves" and breathing life together into the work we know how to do and the work we need to learn to do.

[Andrew]

Thank you Lavinia,

I have noticed also that when I am most connected to myself, then I can help others be their very best.

I agree that "authenticity" held inward is a waste of being. It must be extended outward and used to lift and support others to meet the full measure of its purpose.

I greatly appreciate your comment. Thank you!

Andrew