Have you ever heard the song by Johnny Cash called "A Boy Named Sue"?
The other day, I was playing pool with my kids, and this song came on. It tells the story of a kid who spent his entire life hating his father because he named him Sue. We learn that Sue is always getting into fights because of his name and how he was always ashamed of his name.
Eventually Sue goes searching to find the "dirty mangy dog" that gave him such a terrible name so that he can kill him. Finally, he finds his father in a bar and they have a fight. Sue is surprised by how tough his dad is, but he eventually gets the upper hand. When he does, he pulls out his gun and aims it at his father.
His dad then tells him that he has a right to kill him and that he wouldn't blame if he did, but before he dies, he wants to tell him why he named him Sue. Then he says that he knew he wouldn't be there to protect him when he was growing up so he gave him that name because he knew it would cause him to either "get tough or die".
When Sue hears this, he got all choked up and develops a "different point of view." He sees why his dad gave him the name and even feels a little thankful for it. It was this last line that got me thinking about things.
Tough Love
A lot of the time that I spend interacting with my children is focused on correcting them. I understand that this is important. I am responsible for their well being. It is my responsibility to teach them what they need to know so that they can be successful in the world. If I don't stop the bad habits, then I will fail as a father. Even worse than that, they will have a more difficult time in the world.
Tough love is a critical and important part of parenting, but we must be careful to make sure that it does not become the only tool we use when raising our children.
As a father of seven children, I have learned that children need a positive home environment to really thrive. Without it, they cannot respond positively to the correction they receive. If everything is negative, then they learn to be defensive when they receive the correction they need and it does them no good.
Sue's name was a burden for him. He was never free from it. Even after he saw his daddy in a different light, he knew that he would never name his own son Sue. Even though the name taught him to be tough, it hindered him in other areas of his life.
This Works At Work Too
Some of you that are reading this employ the same strategy with those who work for you. It is easy to believe that the primary purpose of our job as a leader is to be correcting those who are constantly are making mistakes. I have known some clients who even purposely make life difficult for their direct reports because they want them to grow and learn.
The truth is that parenting, leading and managing are all done best from a nurturing perspective. It is difficult for many of us to get in touch with our nurturing side. We think that if we do, our kids, or our employees will see us as too soft and then they won't respect us. If that happens, then we know they won't do what we want and need them to do.
This intuition though is wrong. If we want to get the most out of people then we must treat them like they are already at or beyond the level to which we expect them to rise.
My dad made a lot of mistakes during his short life, but he nurtured me and raised me up. He always treated me like I was the president of some organization. I knew that he thought I was worthy of that treatment. I knew that he thought I could go far in life. I did not doubt his belief in me, even when he was forced to move into a correcting role. I am grateful that he saw in me so much more than I saw in myself. Eventually, because of his promptings, I was able to see what he saw. It became my reality because he inspired me to reach for it.
Kindness Begins With Me
Look around today at those you serve. What can you say to them that will give you a credit balance in their emotional bank accounts? How can you build them up? How can you treat them the way they want to be treated? What can you give them that will help them to be their very best?
If you really want to become a better parent at home, and/or a better leader at work, then you must ask yourself these types of question. It is not about what they can do for you, rather it is about what you can do for them. How can you help them to become their best? That is what parenting and leadership is all about. Go ahead - make their day!
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